Eminem

"Check this out, yeah, I'm a rapper, but I'm also white. That's well good, innit?" Yes yes yes, we get it, you're boring now. The fact of the matter is, your mate 50 Pence has been shot eighteen times this week alone, don't you have some catching up to do? Someone get this man a gun...

Predictor: Alistair Reid, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Boy George

I can hear you chuckling already. I know what you're thinking; "Is that grotesque, wobbly old monstrous mess of a man pictured above the former lead singer of Culture Club?" Sure is. Funny isn't it? Go on, have a good look. It's as if an elephant gave birth to an unshaven tumour, right? Yeah. Might I suggest that someone, somewhere, preferably someone a little unhinged, kidnap this hideous freak, handcuff him to a radiator and fist his arse hole for a good 24 hours whilst screaming "How do you fucking like it?", until eventually smashing his swollen skull into a thick paste with a massive hammer? Just a thought.

Predictor: Luke Clothier, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Patrick Moore

Is it 'Game Over' for the Gamesmaster? Well he is very fat and very old, so the answer may be yes. Ha.

Predictor: Dee Swan, Crawley
Mortality Status: Alive

Bobby Charlton

This is the second Geordie football player to enter the Celebrity Cemetery, so take that as fucking career advice, Newcastle. Rumour has it that when he and his brother Jackie stand next to one another, astronauts have mistaken their glorious slap-heads for an enormous pair of upward facing tits the likes of which the world has never seen before. But does that mean that Bobby deserves to puke up God's life sandwich into the bucket of eternal sleep? Let's wait and see...

Predictor: Tom Bowen, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Bruce Forsyth

Like an abandoned drunk granddad left swaying around an empty dance floor after a wedding, intermittently vomiting up slurred, incoherent nonsense about "going higher or lower", belching ludicrous catchphrases at a non-existent audience, 'Brucie' can still be seen presenting mainstream TV programmes such as BBC One's awful celebrity 'talent' show, Strictly Come Dirty Dancing Ballroom On Ice Got Talent Factor, which is nothing short of a fucking miracle given that he turned 146 years old last week. With this in mind, surely it won't be long till he attempts his infamous and much-loved 'macho-man' pose, simultaneously causing his spine to snap, his heart to pop, his brain to melt, and his fucking head to topple to the ground and burst into a dust cloud of old skull and hair.

Predictor: Marc Redhead, Seaford
Mortality Status: Alive

Michael Stipe

AIDS-ey REM singer Michael Stipe has always looked a bit peaky, but is it enough to shove him through the door of life down into the deep, dark wine cellar of death? Let's wait and see, eh?

Predictor: Alistair Reid, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Dennis Hopper

After four months of living with a prostate riddled with cancer, Hopper has recently declared that he is "ready to die". Well, what's keeping him? Come on, Dennis, do me a favour, give it up.

Predictor: Dr Seamus, Brighton
Mortality Status: DEAD

Lewis Hamilton

Him wot used to be good at driving, but now sits behind the wheel like a total nonce on a Sunday afternoon in Eastbourne town centre, Hamilton's washed up career as Britain's only black driver successful enough not to be arrested by British police officers for, oh I dunno, drugs or summink, won't stop him from smashing his £6 billion car into a wall of tyres and 'doing a Senna'.

Predictor: Bill Swan, Crawley
Mortality Status: Alive

Drew Barrymore

Drew 'Head-Like-A-Fucking-Alien' Barrymore (no wonder she got on so well with that fucking ET chap) has had her fair share of controversies in the past. Smoking weed at 12 years old, snorting coke at 13 and in and out of rehab throughout her teens, Drew's due a good, strong relapse, don't you agree?

Predictor: Emily Malbon, Nottingham
Mortality Status: Alive

Kerry Katona

The Astronomic Kitten star recently lost her lucrative deal with well-known chav supermarket chain Iceland, after journalist investigations uncovered evidence that she is really fat and really annoying. Oh and she's got a cheeky penchant for snorting coke (and eating cakes), which has led to fears about her health. If only it were possible for people to drown on their own stupidity, she'd have died months ago.

Predictor: Luke Semlekan-Tansey
Mortality Status: Alive

Ken Dodd

By the looks of this photograph alone, buck-toothed, feather duster-wielding, old-school comedy madman Ken Dodd is as good as dodd... Haha! What a silly mistake! I mean dodd. Fuck I did it again! Haha! Oh dear! Let me try that again...

By the looks of this awful, haggered, pasty photo of Ken, he looks fucking DEAD already. Ken Dead.

Predictor: Will Dobson, Brighton
Mortality Status: Dodd (Dead)

Woody Allen

You can say what you like about Woody Allen. You can say that he's a pervert, or a sex-pest, or a paedophile. You can say that he's a talentless, neurotic, self-indulgent twat. You can say that it was disgusting that he took naked photos of his step-daughter. You can say that he was sick to then have a relationship with her. You may well say that he is a sad old freak who should have stopped making films thirty years ago. You may say that Melinda and Melinda is one of the worst things you've ever seen in your whole fucking life. You can say what you like about him, but at the end of the day... hm, I forget my point.

Oh that's right, I remember, he's probably going to die soon. Whoopee!

Predictor: Dr. Seamus, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Queen Elizabeth II

"God save our graaaay-cious Queen, long live our loooo...oh dear, someone's shot her."

Predictor: Gemma Blows, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Jimmy Saville

I can see it now; Jimmy staggers to bed one night, drunk on his own dementia, jabbering to himself about "fixing it" for a bunch of children. Neglecting to remove his crusty shell-suit, his cigar teetering dangerously over his bottom lip, he slips into a blissful state of pissed-up unconsciousness. A final murmur of "now then, now then" emerges from somewhere deep in his throat, causing the still-burning cigar to drop graciously from his mouth onto the nylon kindling of his shell-suit. Within seconds Saville is aflame, and the room fills with the acrid scent of hot skin bonding with melted nylon. He doesn't have time to scream.

Now, 'ow's about tha' then?

Predictor: Laura Swan, London
Mortality Status: DEAD

Sir Ian McKellen

Not only is McKellen a Knight of the Realm, but he's also two of the world's most famous wizards. Do you really think this camp old queen will die anytime soon? Scott seems to think so. Good luck to him...

Predictor: Scott Powell, London
Mortality Status: Alive

Stephen Hawking

He may be a bit of a spastic, but Stephen Hawking is cleverer than he looks. No, seriously, he's generally thought of as being one of the smartest chaps on the fucking planet. I know, I was surprised too! Mental. Sadly, Hawking's monged-up body is letting his brain down; recent reports of a sudden health scare suggest that his funny little robot voice might soon be silenced forever. Bad for humanity, good for the Celebrity Cemetery.

Predictor: Marc Redhead, Seaford
Mortality Status: Alive

Pamela Anderson

Rumour has it that former Baywatch star Pammy is riddled with hepatitis after she drank the blood of a child that she accidentally killed with her left breast. Reports indicate that the incident also caused a small fracture to appear in the implant hidden discretely within the aforementioned tit, leaving her vulnerable to sudden death by silicone poisoning. Given the sheer stupidity of the woman, perhaps she'll just simply eat her own hands and choke to death.

Predictor: Ros Ball, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Barack Obama

Hawaiian born 'first-black-American-president-and-loving-it' Barack Obama has got to be at the top of many of the world's most dangerous assassin's 'Got To Kill' lists. Kevlar-lined suits recommended.

Predictor: Emma Faupel, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Jim Davidson

Old school racist fuck-head 'comedian' Jim Davidson is someone that falls dangerously into the 'I wish you were dead' category, rather than, 'You're likely to die soon', but we'll forgive Luke on this occasion. Fingers crossed ladies and gentleman.

Predictor: Luke Clothier, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Dick Van Dyke

Born Richard Truck Lesbian way back in 1925, Van Dyke has really overstayed his welcome on Planet Earth. The Brits have never forgiven him for what he did in Mary Poppins (check the DVD for the deleted rape scene). The fact is, the clock's ticking for this old codger.

Predictor: Tom Bowen, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Kate Moss

Moss' career as Britain's best loved walking shard of paper has led her down many a dark alley full of drink and drugs, including a well documented relationship with famous heroin bear, Pete Doherty. We await the day that her body finally snaps from the sheer duress of doing nothing all day.

Predictor: James Rogers, Seaford
Mortality Status: Alive

Vivienne Westwood

Crazy old British fashionista Vivienne Westwood is 68. That's old. Old people die. She could die. Good odds on this one.

Predictor: Laura Swan, London
Mortality Status: Alive

Muhammad Ali

A career of being punched in the head, plus Parkinsons. That'll do it.

Predictor: Matt Kendon, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Lindsay Lohan

Adorable child star turned crusty skank, Lohan's debauched behaviour over the last twelve months has shocked even the most hardened freaks and sex offenders. Reports of Lohan snorting cocaine off Crocodile Dundee star Paul Hogan's shoulder blade, because she thought "it would be funny", were exaggerated, but even so there's a very high chance that this ginger bitch will be cashing in her life chips for death dollars very soon.

Predictor: Will Dobson, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Pope Benedict XVI

Rumour has it that after his recent run-in with a 'mentally unstable' woman, the pontiff has been a little nervous around adults and females, and has therefore requested that everyone in the Vatican who isn't a five year old boy be shot in the head. What a queer fellow. With any luck, he'll have a sudden moment of terrible realisation about the existence of God or something, and turn the gun on himself.

Predictor: Adam Otulakowski, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Macaulay Culkin

Wouldn't you kill yourself if you were molested by a [now deceased] major pop star? I know I would. Go on Macaulay, do the right thing.

Predictor: Scott Powell, London
Mortality Status: Alive

Paul Gascoigne

Former world class Geordie footballer turned brainless alcoholic fuck-up Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne has most likely drunk himself to an inch of his life on many occasions in the past. However, after recent speculation regarding a dramatic lifestyle u-turn, it looks like Gazza's gone and ruined all our fun. The question is, will his former boozed up behaviour haunt him into an early grave? Let's hope so.

Predictor: Will Dobson, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Ian Smith

Despite being better known as lovable Aussie fat-fuck Harold Bishop, dig a little deeper into Smith's life and you'll discover that he's the Australian equivalent of Bernard Manning. So, you know, he's probably a racist. But that's beside the point; he's fat and old. I figure he's about a 2-1 odds.

Predictor: Scott Blows, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Robbie Williams

Stoke's own cheeky-chappy pop star has gained a reputation for being somewhat of a cunt, so despite being an outsider in this competition, here's hoping for an awful accident to expedite the process.

Predictor: Chris Wood, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

David Attenborough

Attenborough may well be the only human on the planet that can communicate with insects, but that won't stop the Reaper from a knockin' when his time has come. One of the few genuinely respected personalities in the Celebrity Cemetery.

Predictor: Andy Purcell, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Elizabeth Taylor

Seriously, how is she still alive? There's even odds on this horse.

UPDATE: She is not alive.

Predictor: Emma Bullen, London
Mortality Status: DEAD

Michael Douglas

Walking around with a Welsh handbag twenty-five years his junior won't fool us, Douglas' 65 year old body is a good shout for an imminent bucket kicking.

Predictor: Matthew Kendon, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Adam Woodyatt

Having spent his whole life pretending to be East End loser Ian Beale, at only 41 years of age (with no known illnesses) Woodyatt is somewhat of an outside bet in this celebrity death race. But as we all know, this means nothing in the eyes of God. Smite him, oh Lord.

Predictor: Luke Semlekan-Tansey, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Rolf Harris

Rolf's no spring chicken, hitting 79 years of age in March '09. His death will be a shock to veterinarians and wobble-board players everywhere.

Predictor: Gemma Blows, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive

Denis Norden

Norden's been bumbling around the deep, dark caverns of the ITV archives with his fucking clipboard for too long now. I've got a good feeling about the poppability of his clogs. Norden for the win.

Predictor: Dr. Seamus, Brighton
Mortality Status: Alive